Are Mormons Observing the Coming? What about Mormons 2.0 or any other Barlow VIDA.0? Or how about the Pentecostal Church at Cosby & Closet? Because lately I feel like this TV show is an elaborate advent calendar. Not the 99-cent milk chocolate Trader Joe’s situation, but like the fancy bitch Bonne Maman with all the weird flavor combos. Every episode I think I know what’s on the menu, and every time I emerge six hours later as a newly created expert on the Vail rental market or mandatory minimums or clues authenticity of Gucci tracksuits or, for the sake of this increasingly unhealthy metaphor, mirabelle plums. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, even though it’s not necessarily what I wanted.
Which explains that in the midst of everyone in Utah debriefing the Vail saga, I skimmed over the impression of Lisa Whitney, Mary asking her grandfather-husband if “it’s a brunette girl thing. ? ” and Jennie the loser against Meredith’s PI-on-retainer. Everything was set aside so I could spend the next 43 minutes looking for Justin Rose’s t-shirt. And phew, was it a mad rush. I don’t have the space (or the time to properly check the facts), so I encourage all of you to google “Is LifeVantage…” and let autofill take the wheel from there.
RING RING RING Lisa and Heather receive phone calls from unknown numbers. Are they asking someone to turn off their mics and walk away? No, they’re acting normal and not guilty of federal crimes, screening the call (Lisa) and asking who it is (Heather). Unsurprisingly (except perhaps legal professionals who do not get involved Housewives), it’s Jennifer Shah. I need to see the scenes where Jen is advised to unplug her Bravo contract. You know there is one or five attorneys who have explicitly told Mrs Shah no, it doesn’t matter if you go to the D-List steakhouse or if the furs are borrowed or if you are wearing “little 4 inch Bebe brown heels. “or if you cry with dry eyes until the old optic nerves are dusty – filming right now is a bad idea! And even! Heather is the only one picking up the phone with no questions asked (ummmm, there should have been questions), so Jen rushes over to gulp down an artichoke dip and chat about her criminal charges.
Jen gives a detailed breakdown of the arrest that is likely slightly bigger than the story of Christine Quinn’s birth on the reality TV truth meter. Well done have the audacity to show that damn streak of Omar and ENOUGH again. I’m not sure who made the Ring cam archives or who continues to edit them, but PLEASE STOP. Highlighting this country’s fucking police system through the perspective of Jen’s black child isn’t the sympathy slam dunk you think it is! Absolutely disgusting. Either way, Jen insists Stu isn’t her business partner and expects to hear “a big fucking ‘I’m sorry I’m a shit'” from Lisa and Meredith when she’s “proven innocent”. Okay
Back at the Rose house, Whitney is on a princess and polka dots shit, except instead of mattresses, it’s 78 layers of Iris + Beau swag. It just doesn’t make sense. If you’ve just run out of savings and ready a million dollar loan for even more rebranding products, you’ve got to have the right brand architecture. The time to end the old brand and start reinventing Wild Rose was at least six episodes ago. Whitney says she’s really bad with money and Justin is scared because “he’s gonna be gone” and doesn’t want them in trouble. Like dead-party or Ponzi-scheme-prison-party? Anyway, really worrying stuff, and I hope for the sake of their kids Whitney isn’t too close to the sun patron here.
A quick break for a Nice & Neat Homes® infomercial! Mary decides to prove her innocence in this whole cult leader affair by emphasizing the scope of her the hoarders lair. She says most people have families to fall in love with, but over the past 20 years, she’s just tied up with the pretty things in her closet. According to Cosby’s logic, it’s not mo ‘money = mo’ problems, but mo ‘money = mo’ things = bigger heart. I have promised myself that I will not quote any scripture out of context this week, so feel free to include your favorite verse on selflessness or generosity here.
At the Girls Riding Shelter, Lisa and Meredith gallop and make us watch this Fresh Wolf photo sequence again. I want to believe this is all part of an elaborate Barlow plan, but since the girls try to make sure time and time again, Lisa doesn’t have the energy – or the brains – to pull off that level of collusion. Somehow, Meredith ends up talking about the bad energy in their group dynamic and that everyone is to blame, including herself. She is not wrong! The energy is wildly extinct. Like yes, I could do without Mary’s live manipulation tactics and any flavor of police content, but would anyone even watch this show if it wasn’t for the weirdest train wreck in the world? Well done? Lisa manages to explain how all the other girls are so obsessed with her. Turns out, everyone in Utah was able to ditch their prescription sleeping pill of choice to count the Barlows who jump over the line for Diet Coke Big Gulps. Good for them!
Jennie takes Karlyn for a taste of the Vietnamese tasting menu that she plans to crush the conflict between the ladies. My fingers crossed that Jennie would earn that paycheck by moderating this meal, because so far we’ve seen a lot of potential and considerably less fuss than even Angie and her dramatic early season nonsense. What a simpler time! Jen and Coach also sit down (along with Popeye’s – have you ever tried the reformulated mac and cheese !?) The coach looks pained as he manages not to make a single eye roll while convincing Jen that her faith will not falter and he will not go away. Jen says she “doesn’t understand why this is happening.” Is the “this” here getting caught or …
To really double (triple? Quadruple? I lost count of this episode) on the gloom, we’re heading to Whitney’s in-home product photoshoot. As a stand-in for the audience’s confusion, Jennie does the math very quickly and realizes (1) everything is still Iris + Beau and Wild Rose appear nowhere, and (2) a bouquet of flowers, a sheet white and some IG Influencers ≠ $ 20,000. Unless Hyram Yarbro and the ghost of Richard Avedon are lurking in Whitney’s pole room with free services and a Sephora deal, I would probably agree that this hyaluronic hydration situation is doomed to the same fate as Ramona Singer’s Tru Renewal.
To hell with business, Whitney always brings it as the General Agent of Chaos. She got Cameron’s phone number from Angie Harrington, and they talked for THREE HOURS. Will she tell us what he said? Of course not! Whitney decides to speak directly to Lisa about this because Mary is “bigger and meaner than we ever imagined” and Lisa is going to… do what exactly? She claims it’s to put everyone in a Survivor-style alliance to take on Mary, but what’s Whitney’s real endgame here? Lisa’s undying love and approval? General proof? An experience of recruiting new guys for the Rose Empire?
No idea, but see you next week for Lisapalooza! Looks like Barlow intends to take wings with Jen, debunk the bogeyman with Whitney, and maybe even ruin his relationship with Meredith. Ah, too! Almost forgotten. On Saturday, Jen tried to have her fraud case dismissed over this Hulu documentary and failed. The clown show continues!