‘The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Season 2, Episode 19

you have all seen The Jinx, to the right? Otherwise, stop reading here. Make your way to the hellscape of HBO Max UX/UI and find out – spoiler alert if you’re someone who believes in spoilers for IRL events – Robert Durst confessing to multiple murders because he couldn’t stop mumbling while being completely micro ‘d. The reason I bring this up isn’t because Bobby died in jail a few weeks ago, but because few things get me dopamine straight to the noggin like a high-caliber hot mic moment . And no matter how much franken editing happened RHOSLC this week we have ourselves an oopsie from the upper echelon of Ms. Lisa. Like, maybe the craziest I’ve ever seen? I’d like to spend the next 1,700 words parsing our rare and lengthy overview of Barlow’s Burn Book as if it were The scarlet letter, and I am about to take the AP Literature exam. But I should probably at least pretend to care about a hubbub of horseback riding, mountain biking, spa. Dizzy. At the top.

First up we have Lisa and Heather (the production wants you to think they’re an unlikely duo, but they’re not). They trample horses for a few minutes, then spend the rest of the time cosplaying the “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman” music video while chatting with Meredith. Heather acknowledges that Lisa’s ride-or-dies do exactly no riding. Lisa apologizes for making “everyone yell at yesterday” after telling Meredith that everyone thought she lied about her father’s memorial. The two girls compare notes and realize that the stories they have been told do not match. The stories are also very vague and very thin, so I’m not convinced it’s even worth discussing by us, them or anyone else. Also most of the memorials aren’t a quick little event, especially the Jewish ones, so I think ultimately that’s none of their business. Meredith has plenty of other shit they can dig their claws into. Plus, Lisa has ten years of Marks family secrets hidden in that waist-length mane. 😈

Then it’s Jen, who gives him Orange is the new black watch an essay, and Whitney, who too recently passed out on Titos a trifle for comfort, hops into an ATV. They zoom in enough to cover their muzzles in mud before sitting down with S&V chips and Haribo to also talk shit with Meredith. Jen has the nerve to insinuate that someone with the whole truth is probably lying about all sorts of other nefarious activities, presumably to give the feds a fun little clip to trot through during her trial. Whitney is still trying to get Nancy Drew to what else Meredith has on Jen because she doesn’t buy that their feud is fueled exclusively by Twitter. She’s also confused why Meredith aligned herself with an alleged cult leader whose vibes can only be described as “terrifying, and not even in a fun way.” Jen and Whitney pledge to address these issues later. I can not wait.

Speaking of which, Ms Marks is still proud of the previous evening’s activities, including going one-on-one with Jen Shah and kissing Whitney on the lips just like Tom Brady kisses his dad. It’s the only logical explanation why she would decide to go to the spa with famous frenemies Mary and Jennie. Before any of you in the comments start talking about hair and makeup or the lack thereof, I’d like to remind you that there’s a LOT of internal ugliness ripe for grunt. Just the past week, we’ve got Jennie’s pathetic vindication of racism, Bravo showing up for a late life for social justice (like, sure, awesome, but where was that speed for all the white women?), and then perhaps the craziest “meet my only black friend” show-and-tell the internet has ever seen. Yikes all around. Anyway, Mary wears the same sunglasses as the fashion designer of The Incredibles and a bunch of tithe diamonds for the duration of her massage, then leaves the second someone asks about her man. I’m almost inspired.

Back at the villa, in honor of Mary calling Jen a Mexican thug, Jen wears a Selena costume and pays a lady named Rheanna to make “margarita tacos” for Cinco de Mayo because nothing cures racist comments like cultural appropriation! After shedding her chest in a velvet Meredith Marks x Madame Alexander outfit, Ms Marks dusts off her law degree. She explains to Whitney that Jen stipulated to the feds that she has no assets, which means if she pays for dinner, it’s probably dirty money, and Meredith can’t attend. Whitney is like, I don’t know, Jen probably didn’t pay because “husbands.” Uh, yeah, you think? My top three guesses as to who paid for this party are 1). Bravo Media LLC., 2). Restoration of Rheanna, 3). Vida tequila.

As night falls, Jen pulls out some maracas Murilo ordered on Amazon, and we’re off on another crap dining experience. I don’t like to do the “bullet list of disasters” thing, but I’m faced with a word count. I need to save space for a fully transcribed “bombshell”, and there are just TOO many. For any other franchise, this meal is a multi-season drama – everyone goes scorched earth:

• Jen hands out the diamond snowflake necklaces she and Stu made two months ago. Meredith accepts the gift. Whitney feigns shock.
• Mary goes inside to get another diaper and refuses to bring one to Whitney. Jennie tells everyone about her tiff with Mary on a day at the spa.
• Between last week’s “microaggression” abuse and this week’s “cycle of abuse” moment, Lisa highlights what happens when white women’s only form of anti-racism is reading half a sentence of a summary of a book written by another white woman.
• Whitney is back on her Top-Golf-era shitty hustle and immediately asks Mary if she likes Jennie.
• Mary just says “no”, then does a lot of eye rolling, sighing and burping every time it’s her turn to speak.
• (Intermission to remind everyone that people can be both racist and victims of racism at the same time.)
• Somehow, Mary turns him into the husbandless Heather, who responds, “Fuck you, Mary Cosby, who’s your husband? He’s your stepfather. MUAHAHA.
• No one can understand that Mary doesn’t like Jennie and doesn’t care about maintaining the decorum of the “group of friends” Bravo contract.
• Things go off the rails further. Lisa starts mumbling to Meredith about being kind. Lisa lashes out at Jen about the tripping. Lisa says it’s not about her and then makes it all about her. Lisa slams, “WHO’S THERE TO FUCK ME BECAUSE NO ONE IS THERE FOR ME.” While Jen adjusts her areolas or something away from the table, Lisa continues her tirade. Mary, her mouth full of a taco bowl, mutters that Lisa isn’t being nice.
• Lisa yells at Mary for being fake. Mary says Lisa lives in a bubble and hasn’t learned to be real because she always eats candy, and she “goes to Taco Bell, who does that?”
• THIS IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE. I can’t believe I’m going to fight for Lisa Fucking Barlow, but as a proud adult and a fan of Taco Bell potato products, I won’t tolerate this slander. If Lisa wants to eat Kit-Kats for breakfast and Crunchwrap Supremes for lunch, that’s her business! Lisa accepts, securing Taco Bell’s sponsor for Barlow generations to come.
• Meredith continues to swallow but refuses to intervene. Lisa says Mary’s Church is fake and also “Lisa Barlow is an amazing human. I am authentic. I am real; let’s look at your business.
• I faint at the mere thought of Lisa logging into her Reddit account at the dinner table.
• I come to the fact that Mary says she doesn’t invite the devil into her church, and Heather is still trying to make Jennie/Mary a reality. They get back to it.
• Whitney quotes scripture via Rachel Hollis via a Canva template (presumably).
• Mary finally says what everyone involved has known for two years, that she isn’t really friends with any of them except Meredith.
• Meredith begins to apologize for “screaming and screaming and acting crazy…” before quickly reverting to screaming and screaming and acting crazy.

I don’t care what happens at the table from now on because BARLOW GOES OFF ROAD. There are clearly several clips put together, all of which appear to be happening while Lisa is leaving or behind a closed door. So without further ado, the Barlow Burn Book entry for all eternity:

“I’m leaving. I’m fucking done. What Meredith did is so fucked up. Meredith can go fuck herself. I’m done with her because I’m not a fucking whore, and I don’t cheat my husband. Her and her stupid fucking family posing. Why don’t you own a house? Wait, you can’t. ‘Cause your husband changes jobs every five minutes. The fake Meredith is a “I’ll back you up. I’m offended by that. Fuck you, that fucking piece of shit. I hate her. She’s a bitch. She fucked half of New York! She can go get herself.” Fuck it! Here, you can get my microphone back.

I don’t use that word lightly, but — LEGENDARY. I have so many questions. Who was she talking to? Did a producer release this tirade? There’s no way JB HUSBAND BOSS pushed this, is there? Could it somehow be an accident? Are you from the same sea that got stopped talking to its spawn all season? Was it all part of some lopsided plan, or is Barlow partying way louder than I attributed to him?

Anyway, I guess it was the “bomb”. See you next week for…??? The final? I’m crossing my fingers and toes because this season won’t stop. We already have 1.79 firings, at least 12 kinds of allegations/altercations/terrorizations, plus up to 50 years in federal prison. Oh, and that flawless outburst from Barlow. Like, at this point? WAS GOOD. More darkness. Wrap it up so this time next week we (I) can watch Abbott Elementary School in peace as the good god wanted.

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